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The ultimate denial

October 29, 2014

I’ve been suffering big time, people. As those of you who listen to me on the Pat&JT Show know, my husband of 15 glorious years came down with a nasty bug.

A few sniffles turned into a round of sneezes, which turned into coughing, then inconsolable moans and groans, and finally a fever spike.

Before I knew it, Ryan morphed into Roz from Monster’s Inc.

sssiiiiccckkk

He is sssiiiiccckkk.

To his credit, Ryan’s pretty much weathering out this storm on his own…asking for nothing, grateful for everything.

He’s shouted spoken very little compared to normal, but the words he did utter spoke volumes.

Less than 24 hours after falling victim to this debilitating illness, he looked me square in the eyes and broke the news:

“I don’t think we’ll be able to make out tonight.”

Now, I don’t know how many of you can relate to the gravity of this particular predicament. Having known this man for half my life, I wasn’t sure if I could go a day without making out with him…in all his phlegm-filled glory.

It was hard for me to hide my disappointment.

“You mean to tell me I’ll have to just curl up in my pajamas under my warm blankets and prepare for uninterrupted sleep with ZERO chance you’ll attempt to grope a feel? Oh man, I’m not sure how I am going to deal with that.” I responded.

In between nasal clearings, he level set all expectations.

“It’s just not going to happen,” he said sadly.

I’ve been dealing with this new reality ever since. Keep me in your thoughts.

Written by Heidi Woodard

My daughter brought home this picture today from preschool. It basically sums up how I’ve felt the past 48 hours.

My daughter's artwork is both sloppy and endearing - much like her mom.

My daughter’s artwork is both sloppy and endearing – much like me.

Here’s the problem: Santa has no time to be sick. Santa’s bought roughly a half dozen (rounding up) gifts so far.

Starting tomorrow, there will be 12 Days Til Christmas. Every year I tell myself I won’t put off buying gifts until the last minute, and every year I succumb to the sad realization that I am a procrastinator who detests shopping.

My mom let me know today that she has officially finished finding the perfect gifts for everyone and is ready to embrace the holidays.

I wanted to be mad at her, but that was hard to do since she basically tended to my every need the past two days. How can you possibly say “I can’t stand how organized you are!” in between sips of homemade soup? (OF COURSE HER SOUP IS HOMEMADE…I’m fairly confident I was switched at birth.)

At this point, I can’t even take deep breaths to try to clear my mind and calm myself down. I start coughing like a chain smoker every time I inhale.

All I can do is muster up enough energy to rewrite a classic holiday favorite with lyrics inspired by stress. Feel free to sing along.

12 Days Til Christmas

On the twelfth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
At least you bought a tree

On the eleventh day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
You’ve got two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the tenth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
There are three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the ninth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the eighth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
THRIVE under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the seventh day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
Nix your expectations,
THRIVE under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the sixth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
You’re an awful parent,
Nix your expectations,
THRIVE under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the fifth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
You’re LATE every year!
What an awful parent,
Nix your expectations,
Cry under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the fourth day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
Go blame your husband,
For being LATE every year!
You’re both awful parents,
Nix your expectations,
Cry under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the third day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
Everything is hopeless,
Go blame your husband,
For being LATE every year!
You’re both awful parents,
Nix your expectations,
Cry under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the second day til Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
Wrapping’s overrated,
Everything is hopeless,
Go blame your husband,
For being LATE every year!
You’re both awful parents,
Nix your expectations,
Cry under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree

On the day before Christmas,
My conscience said to me:
There’s always next year,
Wrapping’s overrated,
Everything is hopeless,
Go blame your husband,
For being LATE every year!
You’re both awful parents,
Nix your expectations,
Cry under pressure!
Flip off four people,
Three kids awaiting,
Two family gatherings,
But at least you bought a tree (with a light-up star that quit working almost immediately after we brought it home)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEOPLE!

Written by Heidi Woodard