Banished from my house for Fantasy Football League yet again

August 30, 2014

My husband, Ryan, and his buddies are gathering today for their annual bromance party – more commonly referred to as Fantasy Football League.

The transformation that takes place in both Ryan and our home is astounding.

I’ve never seen Ryan so organized (outside of coaching). Like…he actually plots stuff out on poster board. I recall stumbling upon labeled ping pong balls in years past. He coordinates the shindig to take place prior to the Nebraska Cornhuskers home opener. I picture men at the bromance party having their own tunnel walk music that they play when they approach the sacred poster board to claim their picks.


I know this guy has never used poster board for educational purposed outside of the football season.

I know this guy has never used poster board for educational purposed outside of the football season.


The poster board containing last year's picks.

The poster board containing last year’s picks.


Ryan passing along his "wisdom" to our oldest.

Ryan passing along his “wisdom” to our oldest.

Our house, which normally looks like the inside of a hamster wheel that hasn’t been tended to in over a month, is clutter free. There’s more than one bathroom that is presentable to the outside public. The 22 pairs of shoes normally sprawled in our entry way are put away. Guys…I have a wood floor I forgot about!

It’s like I’m standing on Mars with an over-hyped martian waiting for his countrymen to arrive to plot out world domination.

So many things I don’t understand because I am basically banished from the house every year. He always says, “You don’t HAVE to leave.” But then his eyes dart from me to our two youngest children and back to me. There’s this unspoken understanding that he would occupy them for me if I had an annual bash that I was in charge of throwing.

What I want to know is what exactly happens at these super secret parties while I’m away?

I mean, I know there’s the whole everybody pick your players and then subsequently earn or lose points based on how your players do throughout the season set of rules…but what else goes down?

I imagine a lot of this.


photo 2 (4)


And this.


photo (21)


And probably this.


photo (20)


If anyone who participates in these Fantasy Football Leagues can either confirm or deny my assumptions, I would appreciate it.

Written by Heidi Woodard

7 responses to Banished from my house for Fantasy Football League yet again


    Hahaha! Your pictures of what you assume goes on made me laugh out loud! I’m sure they are accurate.

    I feel like they probably also act out several scenes from Hoosiers, complete with costumes. I’m sure if you check the trash you’ll find one of the poster boards lists who’s playing which part.

    Coach Norman Dale – George
    Shooter – Joey
    Jimmy Chitwood – Dan no John no Steve (I assume a minor brawl breaks out over who gets to play the star player)

    I know Hoosiers is a basketball movie, but I still feel like it is probably performed at all large, closed-door gatherings of sports-minded men over the age of 30.


      I call the role of “Ollie” because I want to sink the between-the-legs-granny-shot free throw to win the game and then be hoisted up onto my teammates’ shoulders!


    you freaking make me laugh every time. i am in my first fantasy league ever this year. no super secret probation party for me though. have you thought about using your old nanny-cam to find out, or are you too frightened to actually know what happens on your wood floor? 🙂


    I happen to know more than my husband does about football, so this would not happen at our house. BUT, my brother and his friends from college plan their small group reunion around their fantasy football draft. They come from states and even sometimes countries away. I think theirs involves less showers and more junk food. 🙂


    Big football fan here. Never, and I mean never involved an FF league. I think it’s just an excuse to oil each other up, feed each other nachos from beneath an admiring gaze, and take bromance to the very limit.

    Also, love the Heid-sman pose 😉