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I’m coming to you from a water park somewhere in the Midwest. It doesn’t matter exactly where because I imagine the same scene could unfold all across America.

I feel like I need to set the stage by announcing that I am by no means a germaphobe. In fact, I just returned a basket of french fries because I found a hair resting ever so gently on top of one. I had already eaten about a fourth of the basket by that point. Instead of complaining to the vendor about how disgusting and unsanitary it was, I just swapped it out for a new basket…no questions asked.

Yep, the writer behind Maternal Media is super gross. And she loves french fries. Preferably hairless ones.

Now that we’re all on the same page with how low my cleanliness standards are, picture this if you will: I am elbow-to-elbow with a boatload of other families in January in Nebraska doing what we do to entertain our kids. Our options are limited with wind chill temperatures averaging between negative 20-30 degrees below zero.

My son, along with a group of his friends, and his sister (whom he considers a friend about half the time) are splashing, sliding, and laughing. He’s celebrating turning another year older, but not necessarily wiser by what I just witnessed.

The group of hyped-up kids just ran up to me to announce they couldn’t go into the lazy river anymore because a kid threw up in it. I looked at the river and, sure enough, it was now empty with all entry points blocked off by caution cones.

Hhaaaaappyy Biirrrrthday ttoooo yyoooouu. BLUUGH!

It was all I could do to just lean back in my chair (strategically chosen in close proximity to the bar) and look up at the twinkling lights above me in order to regain control over my own stomach.

Calgon (and chlorine) take me away.

Calgon (and chlorine) take me away.

After they made the big announcement, the kids returned to the water wonderland (sans river) completely unscathed by the circumstances. I figured, as long as they were good, so was I.

No more than 20 minutes later, I looked up to see small patches of swimmers circling the river and, with each subsequent lap, the patches multiplied. I thought to myself, It must have been a rumor that they closed the lazy river because of kid puke. There was obviously some other issue that caused the temporary shut-down. Whew!

I decided to approach my good friend, the bartender, and tell him what my son had told me.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me (nervous laughter): I don’t need anything other than to ask you a question.

Him: Yeah, what’s that?

Me: My son and his friends told me they shut down the lazy river because a kid threw up in it.

Him: (Nothing in reply…just a blank stare.)

Me: But I see it’s now open again. They couldn’t re-open it if someone actually yacked in it, right?

Him: Yeeaaahh, I mean, they could. I mean, they aren’t going to shut it down permanently with all these people here if only a small part needed to be cleaned up.

Me: (Nothing in reply…just a blank stare.)

Him: I hadn’t personally heard that that happened…so I really don’t know what’s going on.

Me: Ok thanks.

I returned to my chair and reminded myself that chlorine was invented for a reason. No one else seemed to care that some child’s gastrointestinal juices were magically removed from the lazy, disturbingly hazy, river. I learned they have a protocol for taking care of situations like these. The more you know, right?

The party was deemed a success by both my son and his friends.

Yet I can’t let it entirely go without asking…has anyone who’s reading this post actually worked at a public pool or water park? Can chlorine solve all? Well, all but the imagery/queasiness I can’t seem to shake from my system?

Written by Heidi Woodard

I struggle at times to remember what it feels like to step away from the everyday grind and have no set agenda other than to relax and have fun as a family.

It’s been too long since we’ve experienced that feeling. We’re getting ready to re-embrace it at one of our boys’ favorite places, Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City.

We’re rarely at home. Always on the go. Stressing about getting kids to school and ourselves to work on time. Stressing about leaving work on time to rush home. Stressing about meal planning and getting out of the house on time to make it to basketball. Stressing about getting the kids to bed at a decent hour.

Shoot, I’m stressing with guilt right now over the fact our daughter has never experienced a Great Wolf Lodge getaway. And she’s 4.

Pregnant mom with baby girl

The boys loved to pretend their bellies were as big as mine when I was pregnant with their baby sister.

We’re lucky that all three of our kids LOVE getting wet. Water slides, lazy rivers, spray stations…you name it…I remember the boys having a blast standing under the 1,000-gallon bucket dump.

You know what’s even better than getting soaked by such an extreme force of water? Watching your 4-year old sister experience that combination of fear and adrenaline rush for the first time.

Dad and sons in the lazy river

Lazy boys in the lazy river.

Some of my favorite memories from Great Wolf Lodge have nothing to do with water at all. Each evening, lodge guests are invited to attend a story time in their pajamas in front of the Great Clock Tower within the grand lobby.

The Great Clock Tower has timed lighting and mechanical animals that sing and talk to the audience. Anyone who is my age may recall Showbiz Pizza back in the 80s. This Clock Tower is like Showbiz on steroids, highly entertaining for kids and adults alike.

I’m going to make it my goal to use my iPhone for picture taking and maybe a periodic Facebook status update. One of the best things about vacationing at an indoor water park is that water and electronics don’t mix.

We deserve the uninterrupted time together and each other’s undivided attention.

The rest of the world can wait.

Created by Heidi Woodard